Like what you're reading? - Follow us on Twitter Icon & Like us on Facebook Icon
Polar Bears

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

December 30th, 2017
Polar Bears

ILLINOIS – A rare and ultimately dangerous situation is underway on the Illinois and Wisconsin border as a group of polar bears have managed to wander south into Northern Illinois. Local authorities have told the public to remain diligent and alert as these bears are in an unusual habitat and may scare easy. “It’s colder […]

Couple picture

Engagements: David Butte & Ann Schmelz

December 5th, 2017

OTTAWA, IL – The Butte Schmelz wedding ceremony will take place at Knights of Columbus in Ottawa on December 22nd. The couple advises no gag gifts are allowed. BYOAF (Bring your own air freshener). David Butte and Ann Schmelz both Ottawa where engaged on October 22nd, 2016. They met at a gastroenterologist office while having […]

Santa Kid

Dad Lessons: Finding The Right Time To Tell Your Kids You’ve Lied To Them Their Entire Life About Santa

November 27th, 2017

UNITED STATES – Finding the right time to tell your children you are a horrible liar can be tough, but these easy steps can help make the transition from “Santa is cheap!” to “My Dad is cheap!” as simple as possible. First, if you’ve built a reputation up as being liar this job is much […]

Guy jumping

“Just What I Wanted An $140 55″ Machabucha Verzino Walmart Black Friday Special TV” Said No One Ever

November 25th, 2017
Black Friday

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Black Friday is over and with it the hope of kids all over the United States has died as parents begin to bring home cheap off-brand TVs. “I already know what we are getting. That cheap crappy TV from Walmart.” 14-year-old Sophia Thomas told The Cob. “My dad thinks he is getting […]

Turkey Fire

How to: 10 Steps to Fry a Turkey Dangerously – Like a Man’s Man

November 19th, 2017

ILLINOIS – As Thanksgiving fastly approaches we at The Cob wanted to take a moment to give instructions on how to throw caution to the wind and deep fry your turkey like a real man. This 10 step guide will guarantee the perfect holiday feast for your family and friends. Step 1. Take your fire […]

Bulls Warm Up

Most Illinoisans Blissfully Unaware Chicago Bulls Basketball Has Started

November 15th, 2017
Chicago Bulls

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bulls are 11 games into their season and most of Chicagoland is blissfully unaware that NBA basketball has even kicked off. We took to the streets to find out what people were thinking about the Bulls season so far. Here are the stats from our non-scientific study. 95% of people […]

Record heat in the area

Late Season Heat Wave Arrives for Thanksgiving – Heat Indexes in the 100s

November 13th, 2017

ILLINOIS – Just as the first few snow showers have begun to dust the land, mother nature has decided to take a complete 180 turn and bring record heat to the central United States. “Get your turkey friers out and catch your garage on fire in the sweltering heat coming next week to the area.” […]

Halloween kid face

Parents Too Old To Trick Or Treat Commence The Annual Stealing Of Their Kids Candy While They Sleep

November 1st, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – November 1st marks the official start of one of the darkest times of the year for parents all over the country, the annual 10 pm consumption of their children’s Halloween candy. The Cob reached out to area parents who have already confessed to dipping into their kid’s candy while they are in […]

Halloween Candy Woman

Vegan, Gluten Free, Non-Dairy, No Sugar, Raw, Woman Gets No Halloween Visitors This Year

October 31st, 2017

ILLINOIS – After spending hours blending her special treats for visitors this year, Mary Valto, a local health food freak couldn’t find one visitor to come to her front door for Halloween. “I really had high hope for a great turn out. The kale was extra fresh and everything blended so well into my convenient […]

Morris Guy

Local Expert: “Shut Up Morris, You’re Not A Suburb”

October 30th, 2017

MORRIS, IL – Like a nerd trying to fit in with the popular kids in school, the City of Morris’ ongoing attempts to declare a piece of suburbia as their own have been nothing but a vast failure. “When you have that much corn and beans between you and the big city, it is pretty […]