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flaming truck

Mediacom Brings New Smokin’ Fast Internet Speeds To Ottawa

May 17th, 2018

OTTAWA, IL – If you were looking for faster internet in the Illinois Valley, you are in luck with Mediacom’s new Flaming Hot Truck Package. New and proprietary technology now enables the cable giant, Mediacom, to set their trucks on fire in residential neighborhoods and in return inject power into the cable lines thus increasing […]

Swear Kid

Study Finds 93% Of Children In Illinois Valley Learn Curse Words From Graffitied Playground Equipment

May 14th, 2018

STREATOR, IL – Spend any time at a playground in the Illinois Valley and chances are your kid will utter the words every parent dreads, “Mommy what does call for a good time mean?” Whether it is a crude drawing or explicit vulgarity, kids in Central Illinois are learning from a young age a variety […]

Log Fire Ottawa

Middle Aged Functioning Alcoholics Flock To Still Smoldering Wood Fire Outside Ottawa For A Saturday Night Party

May 13th, 2018

OTTAWA, IL – With nothing much to do and the bonfire logs drawing down at home, Sam Sturner (41) of Ottawa and his buddies decided to head to the southside and take advantage of the still burning woodpile near 4H road for a Saturday night bonfire. “The fire was still going so we packed up […]

shirtless driver

9 Easy Steps To Enjoy Shirtless Pickup Truck Driving Season In The Illinois Valley

May 8th, 2018

MARSEILLES, IL – With warmer weather comes a beloved time in the Illinois Valley for local pickup truck drivers…shirtless driving season! No longer bound by sleeves and shirts, men from all over the area have begun to shed the shirt and roll down the windows in anticipation of summer. In order to partake of the […]

Peru Mall Fire

Peru Mall Fire! “The Most Exciting Thing To Happen Here Since the 80’s”

May 7th, 2018
Peru Mall

PERU, IL – Awaken from his slumber of over 30 years, a Peru Mall security guard told The Cob that a small fire that started in middle of mall Sunday was the “most exciting thing that has happened here in decades.” “Life has been slow here.” John Bunnan, spoke to The Cob reporters Sunday afternoon. […]

Softball Girl

Softball Mom Publicly Berates Daughter – She Instantly Becomes A Better Player

May 3rd, 2018

NAPERVILLE, IL – Few things mean more to Sara Surans than her daughter winning in softball, and win she does, all because of Sara’s outbursts and childish ridiculing during games and practice. “I come to the park tired and not really excited, but when my mom starts ripping into me and telling me how bad […]

Angry Man

Man Waiting Hour for Illinois Weather to Change is Pissed Off It Hasn’t Changed

April 16th, 2018

LASALLE, IL – The old saying goes that if you don’t like the weather in Illinois wait an hour and it will change, but to Brad Bradley of LaSalle this statement is maddening to the point of anger. “I’ve been waiting, it is still snowing! It’s been snowing for like 6 months straight!” Brad shouted […]

Polar Bears

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

December 30th, 2017
Polar Bears

ILLINOIS – A rare and ultimately dangerous situation is underway on the Illinois and Wisconsin border as a group of polar bears have managed to wander south into Northern Illinois. Local authorities have told the public to remain diligent and alert as these bears are in an unusual habitat and may scare easy. “It’s colder […]

Couple picture

Engagements: David Butte & Ann Schmelz

December 5th, 2017

OTTAWA, IL – The Butte Schmelz wedding ceremony will take place at Knights of Columbus in Ottawa on December 22nd. The couple advises no gag gifts are allowed. BYOAF (Bring your own air freshener). David Butte and Ann Schmelz both Ottawa where engaged on October 22nd, 2016. They met at a gastroenterologist office while having […]

Santa Kid

Dad Lessons: Finding The Right Time To Tell Your Kids You’ve Lied To Them Their Entire Life About Santa

November 27th, 2017

UNITED STATES – Finding the right time to tell your children you are a horrible liar can be tough, but these easy steps can help make the transition from “Santa is cheap!” to “My Dad is cheap!” as simple as possible. First, if you’ve built a reputation up as being liar this job is much […]