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Cubs Fans Cutting Sat Fats In Hopes Of Living To See World Series Win

September 26th, 2016

CHICAGO, IL – The hardened, fattened, and clogged arteries of thousands of Cubs fans from around the Chicago area are in a race against time to remain functioning, as the Cubs make their way into the postseason this year.

Once on a spiral diet of meat and beer, Cubs fans have turned to tofu and vegetables to help prolong their lives, in an attempt to avoid massive heart attacks.

“I’ve neva really liked fro-yo. I gotta do what I gotta do.” Tim Brown a local Cubs fan stated as he spoke about his lifestyle change.

“Instead of eaten like five polish sausages, I just eat a piece of celery or somethin, maybe with a wittle peanut butter, who knows. I have to live to see dem Cubbies win.” He continued.

With the postseason on the way Wrigley Field concessions is looking to lighten up their ballpark menus as well. Turkey products will replace beef and beer will be substituted out for Vitamin water.

As the city moves toward history, health has become a top priority in the city. The Cob believes this is a trend everyone can get behind.

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