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Walking I&M Canal

Lone Person Walking I&M Canal – Probably A Murderer

March 13th, 2017

UTICA, IL – A crime study released last Friday afternoon to the public, now proves what most Illinois Valley residents fear ‐ that any person walking alone on the I&M Canal has a 100% chance of being a murderer.

“It’s a shocking statistic. We all think about it when we come across some weird person just walking along the I&M Canal, but I didn’t think it would be 100%.” Lindsey Romen, Utica resident, told The Cob.

“To me, it seemed like an irrational fear. I have to admit when I walk pass a person walking alone I always wonder if they are going to get stabby. I do carry pepper spray and a Glock for such occasions, though, oh and a long bow.” Ms. Romen continued.

According to the recent research by the independent study group, they advise residents to take a few steps to keep safe. First of all, never look a person in the eyes when walking past, don’t engage in conversation and never stop, even if the person looks normal or is a friend or family member.

“I used to think that everyone that walked the I&M Canal was a wandering heathen, now I know thanks to the report! Who walks the I&M Canal alone, really? Total creeps that’s who.” Lindsey concluded

As for those deranged lunatics thinking about walking the I&M Canal alone, local authorities are warning all who venture out alone that they will be found and punished.

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