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Not Everyone Is Leaving Illinois – Masochists Flock To The Land Of Lincoln

December 21st, 2016

ILLINOIS – On the heels of troubling news that close to 30,000 people exited the state in 2016, the Illinois government has hired a public relations company that has come up with a new state slogan, ‘Enjoy Pain? Enjoy Illinois!'”

“Not everyone is leaving Illinois. We do have some individuals coming into the state. To say these people are unique is an understatement. They tend to be masochistic in nature and like to experience failure, pain, and disdain for their government officials.” Stated, John Dimitrus from Nugget Public Relations.

“Living in Illinois sometimes feels like getting punched in the face continuously, and fortunately for us, we were able to discover that some people like to experience that feeling. It was our job to capitalize on it and we are running campaigns to do that right now.” Continued, Mr. Dimitrus.

The Cob was able to catch up to a local transplant, Marcus Florance, Sunday evening in Joliet.

“My state was just running too smoothly, I had nothing to complain about I had nothing to suffer with. I needed that negativity in my life and my local and state government was just not supplying my needs. That’s why I moved to Illinois.” Marcus Florance told The Cob.

“There is a certain type of fear I like to have in my life. Will my kids school get funded? Will the government shut down? Will I get shot in Chicago? Will this giant pothole swallow my vehicle whole?”

“There is just so much to worry about here. I love it!” Concluded Marcus.

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