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Turkey Fire

How to: 10 Steps to Fry a Turkey Dangerously – Like a Man’s Man

November 19th, 2017
Food
Thanksgiving
Turkey

ILLINOIS – As Thanksgiving fastly approaches we at The Cob wanted to take a moment to give instructions on how to throw caution to the wind and deep fry your turkey like a real man. This 10 step guide will guarantee the perfect holiday feast for your family and friends. Step 1. Take your fire […]


Beer Uber

Opinion: Use Uber If You’re Too Drunk To Get To Hermans For More Beer

September 26th, 2017
Beer
Food
News

OTTAWA, IL – New transportation technology has come to Ottawa in recent months opening up new safer ways for drunk residents to get more beer at Hermans. “I used to walk to Hermans to get more beer when I was drunk…now I just Uber there.” Tom Raynolds told The Cob. “It’s safer and if I […]


McDonald's Eater

Ottawa McDonald’s Getting 10 Drive-Thru Lanes

July 8th, 2017
Food
Health
McDonalds
News

OTTAWA, IL – When two drive-thru lanes weren’t enough for Ottawans looking for delicious fast food, the Ottawa McDonald’s has decided to add on eight more lanes to suit growing demand. “We have two lanes now and people aren’t happy with that option.” Ottawa McDonald’s Owner told The Cob. “People need a fast way to […]


Chipotle Mexican Food

Chipotle Moving Into The Area Allows People To See How Disgusting Their Friends Really Are

March 26th, 2017
chipotle
Food
Health
News

PERU, IL – With the recent announcement of a Chipotle Mexican Grill moving into the city of Peru, citizens are worried that going out to eat at the popular chain restaurant will expose them for how disturbingly disgusting they really are. The Cob interviewed two friends Saturday, Tami Smith and Tara Higgs, both from Peru, […]


Miracle Corner: Local Woman Says, “I’m Too Full!”, Then Amazingly Eats Entire Plate & Dessert

January 8th, 2017
Food
Health
News

PERU, IL – Last week a miraculous event occurred when a local Peru resident, Kathy Grandster, claimed she was too full to eat any more food then scarfed down all her food, tasted her friend’s food, and ordered a dessert. “She does that all the time. We go out, have a few drinks, talk for […]


Papa Johns Closure Leaves Only 2 Options For People Looking To Destroy Themselves On Garbage Pizza

January 2nd, 2017
Food
News
Papa Johns

OTTAWA, IL – The news of Papa John’s Ottawa location closure came as a surprise to many residents who now face the bleak outlook of having to eat at Pizza Hut or Little Caesars if they wish to continue to damage their insides on cheap pizza. “It was shocking to me.” Stated Ottawa native, Tom […]


Gluten-Free Vegetarian Claims Discrimination At Local Oktoberfest

October 1st, 2016
Food
News
Oktoberfest

OTTAWA, IL – With the changing of the seasons so comes the wonderful time of year when beer and bratwurst parties dot the landscapes and all is well. Except this year controversy is brewing after a local gluten-free vegetarian activist has discovered Oktoberfests are not the culinary inclusive gatherings she had imagined. Amanda Dittering a […]


Pumpkin Spice Communion

Churches Introduce Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers

September 17th, 2016
Food
Health
News

UNITED STATES – Several area churches have jumped on the seasonal bandwagon this fall by introducing pumpkin spice communion wafers for the enjoyment of their congregations. Denominations from Baptists to Catholics and everything in between have began adding the flavorful spice to the wafers prior to the communion services. Local Pastor John Donmark believes this […]