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Bulls Warm Up

Most Illinoisans Blissfully Unaware Chicago Bulls Basketball Has Started

November 15th, 2017
Chicago Bulls

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bulls are 11 games into their season and most of Chicagoland is blissfully unaware that NBA basketball has even kicked off. We took to the streets to find out what people were thinking about the Bulls season so far. Here are the stats from our non-scientific study. 95% of people […]

Halloween kid face

Parents Too Old To Trick Or Treat Commence The Annual Stealing Of Their Kids Candy While They Sleep

November 1st, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – November 1st marks the official start of one of the darkest times of the year for parents all over the country, the annual 10 pm consumption of their children’s Halloween candy. The Cob reached out to area parents who have already confessed to dipping into their kid’s candy while they are in […]

Halloween Candy Woman

Vegan, Gluten Free, Non-Dairy, No Sugar, Raw, Woman Gets No Halloween Visitors This Year

October 31st, 2017

ILLINOIS – After spending hours blending her special treats for visitors this year, Mary Valto, a local health food freak couldn’t find one visitor to come to her front door for Halloween. “I really had high hope for a great turn out. The kale was extra fresh and everything blended so well into my convenient […]

Morris Guy

Local Expert: “Shut Up Morris, You’re Not A Suburb”

October 30th, 2017

MORRIS, IL – Like a nerd trying to fit in with the popular kids in school, the City of Morris’ ongoing attempts to declare a piece of suburbia as their own have been nothing but a vast failure. “When you have that much corn and beans between you and the big city, it is pretty […]

Couple Halloween

Take Note: Facebook Bans Couples Halloween Costume Photos

October 29th, 2017

SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – In a surprising well-received move, Facebook has now banned all pictures of couples dressed up in their Halloween costumes – singles photos are fine. The move came amid a torrent of photos of couples dressed up in costumes they deemed funny while the Facebook community in it’s entirety deemed them annoying […]

White Map

People That Write Fake Weather News Stories Are Complete Douche Nuggets

October 26th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – After reports surfaced this week of a huge snow storm hitting the Illinois Valley, some people were left wondering what kind of turd basket would create a fake story and post it online. We happen to agree. There is a fine line in journalism between funny and serious and when news outlets […]

White Sox Field

White Sox To Rename Park “Big Bob’s Tire Fire Park” After Naming Rights Elapse

October 25th, 2017
White Sox

CHICAGO, IL – After one year as Guaranteed Rate Field the White Sox announced Tuesday that the naming rights of the field have changed to Big Bob’s Tire Fire Park. “After some negative press, we decided to take our naming rights to another bidder.” A White Sox spokesman told The Cob. “Our budget has been […]

Snowfall Big

Early Season Blizzard Set to Hit Northern Illinois – Illinois Valley In Crosshairs

October 22nd, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – A very rare and huge snow storm is expected to impact the Illinois Valley this week leading to over a foot of snow. Previously unheard of for this time of year, officials are calling for residents to start purchasing their milk and toilet paper. “Wipe well, this is going to be a […]

Person painting wall

Downtown Streator Developer, “Look That Building Is Crumbling Let’s Put A Painting Over It!”

October 15th, 2017

STREATOR, IL – As more buildings fall into disrepair in downtown Streator, the city has come up with a genius plan of covering the buildings in paintings, solving all structural issues for good. “It’s much too expensive to repair these buildings, that is why we’ve chosen to cover them in paintings.” Steve Righton told The […]

Woman thinking about boxers

Woman Wishes Underwear Thief Would Steal Husbands Gross Boxers

October 8th, 2017

ILLINOIS VALLEY – After a string of panty theft home invasions hit her neighborhood last week, Ottawa native, Jill Kroon had one question for herself, “Why can’t they steal my husband’s rotting old boxers instead?”. Jill took to social media Saturday afternoon urging someone to step up and start stealing boxers instead of panties. “I […]