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Brett

Potty Mouth Brett Kavanaugh Once Said The F Word

September 24th, 2018
Kavanaugh
News
Politics

WASHINGTON DC – In a shocking revelation brought forward by a host of accusers, Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh is now being accused of saying the F word some 35 years ago. “What the f*** is wrong with him? Saying the f***in, F word, f*** that guy!” A protester was heard saying Monday morning. “I […]


Tom Hanks Ball

Breaking: Wilson The Star Of Hit Movie ‘Cast Away’ Now Accusing Tom Hanks Of Abuse

September 17th, 2018
Celebs
Entertainment
News

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – In a shocking press release by the LAPD the actor known to most moviegoers as simply “Wilson” is seeking sexual abuse charges against Tom Hanks over incidents occurring during the filming of the movie, Cast Away. “I’ve tried to live my life and forget about what happened, but I just couldn’t. Long […]


Butt Exam

Illinois Proposes Law To Shove Monitor Up Citizen’s Asses To Tax Every Movement

September 15th, 2018
Ass
News
Politics

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the State of Illinois funding the massive government deficit will soon mean tracking every citizen’s movement with an ass monitor. “We have been losing money for years on end. A simple vehicle monitoring device to tax miles driven by citizens will not be enough. […]


Streator Ottawa Highway

6 Lane Highway Between Ottawa & Streator Coming in 2022

September 10th, 2018
News
Roads
Travel

OTTAWA, IL – Department of Transportation officials have announced plans for a 6 lane highway between Ottawa & Streator citing complaints for years from drivers concerned about how slow people drive on Route 23. “The plan is for the speed limit to be 80 mph except in Grand Ridge where the speed limit will drop […]


Rogers Streator

Streator Residents Promise To Stop Robbing Each Other During ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor?’ Week

August 1st, 2018
Mr Rogers
News
Streator

STREATOR, IL – In the spirit of Fred Rodgers, Streator residents throughout the city have called a truce from neighborhood theft and have banded together in unity. “Five days is all we are asking for. Then everything can return to normal and you can steal your neighbor’s bike if you want to.” Said city coordinator […]


Gas Leak

Gas Line Struck In Ottawa Discovered To Be Coming From Taco Bell

July 31st, 2018
Gas
News
Tacos

OTTAWA, IL – An early morning gas leak in Ottawa led authorities to trace out a pipe coming directly from Ottawa’s Taco Bell. The pipe believed to be full of methane and other bodily gasses was previously unknown to the construction crew. “We’ve never seen anything like this.” Stated Project Coordinator Nate Dookin. “It was […]


Panhandler

Local Governments Pushing For Panhandlers To Use Square For Credit Card Donations Opposed To Cash

June 27th, 2018
Government
Homeless
News

LaSALLE, ILLINOIS – Touted as a safety measure, many area governments have proposed a subsidized program in which local homeless are given tablets with Square Payment processing capabilities in order to take handouts from locals. “This really is a safety issue. When a panhandler is sitting at a stop light with cash in his or […]


Ottawa Riverfest

Heavy Metal Band Slipknot to Play Ottawa Riverfest

June 20th, 2018
Music
News
Riverfest

OTTAWA, IL – After years of tribute bands and retired rock stars, Ottawa Riverfest has finally landed a national act with the heavy metal band Slipknot slated to headline the upcoming event. “We decided that we needed to go big this year and melt peoples faces off with hardcore metal.” 2018 Riverfest Event Coordinator Ray […]


Sun hot guy

Local Irish Man Steps Outside Without Sunscreen, Instantly Explodes

June 18th, 2018
Heat
News
Weather

LASALLE, ILLINOIS – As temperatures hover near boiling in North Central Illinois, a local family is grieving the loss of their Uncle Pat, who instantly combusted when he stepped outside into the heat yesterday. Pat O’Brien leaves behind a beloved dog, a cherished case of Guinness and one smoldering spot on the concrete where he […]


Dog Poop

Local Parks District Enlist Smokey The Bear To Advocate for Dog $h!T Reduction

June 11th, 2018
Dogs
News
Parks

LASALLE COUNTY – Local LaSalle County Parks Districts have teamed up with Smokey The Bear to bring a new campaign around the growing problem of scumbag people not picking up their dog’s brownies in local parks. “Signs will be going up all around our community.” Tim Reese told The Cob. “It is just a campaign […]