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Angry Man

Man Waiting Hour for Illinois Weather to Change is Pissed Off It Hasn’t Changed

April 16th, 2018

LASALLE, IL – The old saying goes that if you don’t like the weather in Illinois wait an hour and it will change, but to Brad Bradley of LaSalle this statement is maddening to the point of anger. “I’ve been waiting, it is still snowing! It’s been snowing for like 6 months straight!” Brad shouted […]

Couple picture

Engagements: David Butte & Ann Schmelz

December 5th, 2017

OTTAWA, IL – The Butte Schmelz wedding ceremony will take place at Knights of Columbus in Ottawa on December 22nd. The couple advises no gag gifts are allowed. BYOAF (Bring your own air freshener). David Butte and Ann Schmelz both Ottawa where engaged on October 22nd, 2016. They met at a gastroenterologist office while having […]

Santa Kid

Dad Lessons: Finding The Right Time To Tell Your Kids You’ve Lied To Them Their Entire Life About Santa

November 27th, 2017

UNITED STATES – Finding the right time to tell your children you are a horrible liar can be tough, but these easy steps can help make the transition from “Santa is cheap!” to “My Dad is cheap!” as simple as possible. First, if you’ve built a reputation up as being liar this job is much […]

Bulls Warm Up

Most Illinoisans Blissfully Unaware Chicago Bulls Basketball Has Started

November 15th, 2017
Chicago Bulls

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bulls are 11 games into their season and most of Chicagoland is blissfully unaware that NBA basketball has even kicked off. We took to the streets to find out what people were thinking about the Bulls season so far. Here are the stats from our non-scientific study. 95% of people […]

Halloween kid face

Parents Too Old To Trick Or Treat Commence The Annual Stealing Of Their Kids Candy While They Sleep

November 1st, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – November 1st marks the official start of one of the darkest times of the year for parents all over the country, the annual 10 pm consumption of their children’s Halloween candy. The Cob reached out to area parents who have already confessed to dipping into their kid’s candy while they are in […]

Halloween Candy Woman

Vegan, Gluten Free, Non-Dairy, No Sugar, Raw, Woman Gets No Halloween Visitors This Year

October 31st, 2017

ILLINOIS – After spending hours blending her special treats for visitors this year, Mary Valto, a local health food freak couldn’t find one visitor to come to her front door for Halloween. “I really had high hope for a great turn out. The kale was extra fresh and everything blended so well into my convenient […]

Morris Guy

Local Expert: “Shut Up Morris, You’re Not A Suburb”

October 30th, 2017

MORRIS, IL – Like a nerd trying to fit in with the popular kids in school, the City of Morris’ ongoing attempts to declare a piece of suburbia as their own have been nothing but a vast failure. “When you have that much corn and beans between you and the big city, it is pretty […]

Couple Halloween

Take Note: Facebook Bans Couples Halloween Costume Photos

October 29th, 2017

SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – In a surprising well-received move, Facebook has now banned all pictures of couples dressed up in their Halloween costumes – singles photos are fine. The move came amid a torrent of photos of couples dressed up in costumes they deemed funny while the Facebook community in it’s entirety deemed them annoying […]

White Map

People That Write Fake Weather News Stories Are Complete Douche Nuggets

October 26th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – After reports surfaced this week of a huge snow storm hitting the Illinois Valley, some people were left wondering what kind of turd basket would create a fake story and post it online. We happen to agree. There is a fine line in journalism between funny and serious and when news outlets […]

White Sox Field

White Sox To Rename Park “Big Bob’s Tire Fire Park” After Naming Rights Elapse

October 25th, 2017
White Sox

CHICAGO, IL – After one year as Guaranteed Rate Field the White Sox announced Tuesday that the naming rights of the field have changed to Big Bob’s Tire Fire Park. “After some negative press, we decided to take our naming rights to another bidder.” A White Sox spokesman told The Cob. “Our budget has been […]