Like what you're reading? - Follow us on Twitter Icon & Like us on Facebook Icon
Halloween kid face

Parents Too Old To Trick Or Treat Commence The Annual Stealing Of Their Kids Candy While They Sleep

November 1st, 2017
Halloween
Health
News

CHICAGO, IL – November 1st marks the official start of one of the darkest times of the year for parents all over the country, the annual 10 pm consumption of their children’s Halloween candy. The Cob reached out to area parents who have already confessed to dipping into their kid’s candy while they are in […]


Halloween Candy Woman

Vegan, Gluten Free, Non-Dairy, No Sugar, Raw, Woman Gets No Halloween Visitors This Year

October 31st, 2017
Halloween
Health
News

ILLINOIS – After spending hours blending her special treats for visitors this year, Mary Valto, a local health food freak couldn’t find one visitor to come to her front door for Halloween. “I really had high hope for a great turn out. The kale was extra fresh and everything blended so well into my convenient […]


Illinois Wants to Tax Sex

State of Illinois Wants To Tax Sexual Intercourse

July 17th, 2017
Health
News
sex
State

SPRINGFIELD, IL – You can cancel the honeymoon plans because the Illinois State Legislature proposed a new bill Monday that aims to tax any and all forms of sex in the state. In a move that seems way out of line, the Illinois House proposed bill 6969 which makes it a criminal offense to not […]


McDonald's Eater

Ottawa McDonald’s Getting 10 Drive-Thru Lanes

July 8th, 2017
Food
Health
McDonalds
News

OTTAWA, IL – When two drive-thru lanes weren’t enough for Ottawans looking for delicious fast food, the Ottawa McDonald’s has decided to add on eight more lanes to suit growing demand. “We have two lanes now and people aren’t happy with that option.” Ottawa McDonald’s Owner told The Cob. “People need a fast way to […]


Chipotle Mexican Food

Chipotle Moving Into The Area Allows People To See How Disgusting Their Friends Really Are

March 26th, 2017
chipotle
Food
Health
News

PERU, IL – With the recent announcement of a Chipotle Mexican Grill moving into the city of Peru, citizens are worried that going out to eat at the popular chain restaurant will expose them for how disturbingly disgusting they really are. The Cob interviewed two friends Saturday, Tami Smith and Tara Higgs, both from Peru, […]


Man Dabs in Hospital

Fun Around Town: Local OBGYN “Dabs” After Every Delivery

February 6th, 2017
Dab
dabs
Health
News

OTTAWA, IL – Although some critics would say that Dr. Kemerian’s antics are not appropriate for labor and delivery, most patients simply laugh every time he “dabs” after delivering a baby. “I get in routines and this just happened to be one of them. I delivered a baby, did the “dab” and I just kept […]


Guy Disgusted by Wendy's Frosty

Man Disgusted By Wife Dipping Fries In Wendy’s Frosty

January 30th, 2017
frosty
Health
News

MORRIS, IL – News reports started to surface last week of a local man who refused to enter a Wendy’s restaurant after his wife said she wouldn’t stop dipping her fried food in her Frosty. Marcus J. Samsin of Morris, Illinois was arrested last Wednesday for disorderly conduct after his wife refused to stop dipping […]


Miracle Corner: Local Woman Says, “I’m Too Full!”, Then Amazingly Eats Entire Plate & Dessert

January 8th, 2017
Food
Health
News

PERU, IL – Last week a miraculous event occurred when a local Peru resident, Kathy Grandster, claimed she was too full to eat any more food then scarfed down all her food, tasted her friend’s food, and ordered a dessert. “She does that all the time. We go out, have a few drinks, talk for […]


Low Carb Dieter Appalled At Amount Of Bread In Grant Street Grocery

December 22nd, 2016
Grant Street
Health
News

STREATOR, IL – As a man on a strict low carb diet, Gary Willson, is no rookie when it comes to dealing with the tempting deliciousness of carbohydrates wherever he goes, but as The Cob has found out, even this staunch dieter couldn’t believe his eyes when he visited Grant Street Grocery last week. “I […]


Local Man Donates 5 Year Old Can Of Beans Set To Expire Monday To Local Shelter

December 10th, 2016
Community
Health
News

OTTAWA, IL – In a show of ultimate compassion and selflessness an Ottawa man gave a 5 year old can of beans which was set to expire Monday, to the local homeless shelter. The Ottawa native, Brian Gosner, said Friday that he was doing his part to help out the community. “There are people in […]