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Local Governments Pushing For Panhandlers To Use Square For Credit Card Donations Opposed To Cash

June 27th, 2018

LaSALLE, ILLINOIS – Touted as a safety measure, many area governments have proposed a subsidized program in which local homeless are given tablets with Square Payment processing capabilities in order to take handouts from locals. “This really is a safety issue. When a panhandler is sitting at a stop light with cash in his or […]

Ottawa Riverfest

Heavy Metal Band Slipknot to Play Ottawa Riverfest

June 20th, 2018

OTTAWA, IL – After years of tribute bands and retired rock stars, Ottawa Riverfest has finally landed a national act with the heavy metal band Slipknot slated to headline the upcoming event. “We decided that we needed to go big this year and melt peoples faces off with hardcore metal.” 2018 Riverfest Event Coordinator Ray […]

Sun hot guy

Local Irish Man Steps Outside Without Sunscreen, Instantly Explodes

June 18th, 2018

LASALLE, ILLINOIS – As temperatures hover near boiling in North Central Illinois, a local family is grieving the loss of their Uncle Pat, who instantly combusted when he stepped outside into the heat yesterday. Pat O’Brien leaves behind a beloved dog, a cherished case of Guinness and one smoldering spot on the concrete where he […]

Dog Poop

Local Parks District Enlist Smokey The Bear To Advocate for Dog $h!T Reduction

June 11th, 2018

LASALLE COUNTY – Local LaSalle County Parks Districts have teamed up with Smokey The Bear to bring a new campaign around the growing problem of scumbag people not picking up their dog’s brownies in local parks. “Signs will be going up all around our community.” Tim Reese told The Cob. “It is just a campaign […]

Spray Park

Local Spray Parks Install Shampoo Pumps for Locals Who Smell

June 3rd, 2018
Spray Park

STREATOR/OTTAWA, IL – Looking to cool off this summer and also freshen up a little bit? You are in luck, both Ottawa and Streator have installed shampoo bottle stations at their respective water spray parks for those that smell like sweat and burnt meatloaf. “We all know that people around here can use a shower […]

flaming truck

Mediacom Brings New Smokin’ Fast Internet Speeds To Ottawa

May 17th, 2018

OTTAWA, IL – If you were looking for faster internet in the Illinois Valley, you are in luck with Mediacom’s new Flaming Hot Truck Package. New and proprietary technology now enables the cable giant, Mediacom, to set their trucks on fire in residential neighborhoods and in return inject power into the cable lines thus increasing […]

Swear Kid

Study Finds 93% Of Children In Illinois Valley Learn Curse Words From Graffitied Playground Equipment

May 14th, 2018

STREATOR, IL – Spend any time at a playground in the Illinois Valley and chances are your kid will utter the words every parent dreads, “Mommy what does call for a good time mean?” Whether it is a crude drawing or explicit vulgarity, kids in Central Illinois are learning from a young age a variety […]

Log Fire Ottawa

Middle Aged Functioning Alcoholics Flock To Still Smoldering Wood Fire Outside Ottawa For A Saturday Night Party

May 13th, 2018

OTTAWA, IL – With nothing much to do and the bonfire logs drawing down at home, Sam Sturner (41) of Ottawa and his buddies decided to head to the southside and take advantage of the still burning woodpile near 4H road for a Saturday night bonfire. “The fire was still going so we packed up […]

shirtless driver

9 Easy Steps To Enjoy Shirtless Pickup Truck Driving Season In The Illinois Valley

May 8th, 2018

MARSEILLES, IL – With warmer weather comes a beloved time in the Illinois Valley for local pickup truck drivers…shirtless driving season! No longer bound by sleeves and shirts, men from all over the area have begun to shed the shirt and roll down the windows in anticipation of summer. In order to partake of the […]

Peru Mall Fire

Peru Mall Fire! “The Most Exciting Thing To Happen Here Since the 80’s”

May 7th, 2018
Peru Mall

PERU, IL – Awaken from his slumber of over 30 years, a Peru Mall security guard told The Cob that a small fire that started in middle of mall Sunday was the “most exciting thing that has happened here in decades.” “Life has been slow here.” John Bunnan, spoke to The Cob reporters Sunday afternoon. […]