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Slapping

Unarmed Streator Officers Being Trained How To Properly Slap A Criminal

October 8th, 2018
Crime
News
Streator

STREATOR, IL – Streator’s plan to deploy unarmed officers in the community has kicked off with training on how to stop a criminal by b*t$h slapping them. “As the only way of defending themselves, the open-handed slap is key to their success.” Streator’s City Planner told The Cob. “No, nope, closed fists are not allowed. […]


weather radar

How To Read Weather Radar For People Too Stupid To Figure Out If A Storm Will Hit Them Or Not

October 1st, 2018
News
Storm
Weather

THE COB – The Cob would like to extend this community service opportunity to all of those in the area that are too dumb to look up a weather radar map and see if a storm will or will not hit you. Step 1. Go to weather.com Step 2. Enter your town name Step 3. […]


Brett

Potty Mouth Brett Kavanaugh Once Said The F Word

September 24th, 2018
Kavanaugh
News
Politics

WASHINGTON DC – In a shocking revelation brought forward by a host of accusers, Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh is now being accused of saying the F word some 35 years ago. “What the f*** is wrong with him? Saying the f***in, F word, f*** that guy!” A protester was heard saying Monday morning. “I […]


Tom Hanks Ball

Breaking: Wilson The Star Of Hit Movie ‘Cast Away’ Now Accusing Tom Hanks Of Abuse

September 17th, 2018
Celebs
Entertainment
News

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA – In a shocking press release by the LAPD the actor known to most moviegoers as simply “Wilson” is seeking sexual abuse charges against Tom Hanks over incidents occurring during the filming of the movie, Cast Away. “I’ve tried to live my life and forget about what happened, but I just couldn’t. Long […]


Butt Exam

Illinois Proposes Law To Shove Monitor Up Citizen’s Asses To Tax Every Movement

September 15th, 2018
Ass
News
Politics

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the State of Illinois funding the massive government deficit will soon mean tracking every citizen’s movement with an ass monitor. “We have been losing money for years on end. A simple vehicle monitoring device to tax miles driven by citizens will not be enough. […]


Streator Ottawa Highway

6 Lane Highway Between Ottawa & Streator Coming in 2022

September 10th, 2018
News
Roads
Travel

OTTAWA, IL – Department of Transportation officials have announced plans for a 6 lane highway between Ottawa & Streator citing complaints for years from drivers concerned about how slow people drive on Route 23. “The plan is for the speed limit to be 80 mph except in Grand Ridge where the speed limit will drop […]


Rogers Streator

Streator Residents Promise To Stop Robbing Each Other During ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor?’ Week

August 1st, 2018
Mr Rogers
News
Streator

STREATOR, IL – In the spirit of Fred Rodgers, Streator residents throughout the city have called a truce from neighborhood theft and have banded together in unity. “Five days is all we are asking for. Then everything can return to normal and you can steal your neighbor’s bike if you want to.” Said city coordinator […]


Gas Leak

Gas Line Struck In Ottawa Discovered To Be Coming From Taco Bell

July 31st, 2018
Gas
News
Tacos

OTTAWA, IL – An early morning gas leak in Ottawa led authorities to trace out a pipe coming directly from Ottawa’s Taco Bell. The pipe believed to be full of methane and other bodily gasses was previously unknown to the construction crew. “We’ve never seen anything like this.” Stated Project Coordinator Nate Dookin. “It was […]


Panhandler

Local Governments Pushing For Panhandlers To Use Square For Credit Card Donations Opposed To Cash

June 27th, 2018
Government
Homeless
News

LaSALLE, ILLINOIS – Touted as a safety measure, many area governments have proposed a subsidized program in which local homeless are given tablets with Square Payment processing capabilities in order to take handouts from locals. “This really is a safety issue. When a panhandler is sitting at a stop light with cash in his or […]


Ottawa Riverfest

Heavy Metal Band Slipknot to Play Ottawa Riverfest

June 20th, 2018
Music
News
Riverfest

OTTAWA, IL – After years of tribute bands and retired rock stars, Ottawa Riverfest has finally landed a national act with the heavy metal band Slipknot slated to headline the upcoming event. “We decided that we needed to go big this year and melt peoples faces off with hardcore metal.” 2018 Riverfest Event Coordinator Ray […]