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Sun hot guy

Local Irish Man Steps Outside Without Sunscreen, Instantly Explodes

June 18th, 2018
Heat
News
Weather

LASALLE, ILLINOIS – As temperatures hover near boiling in North Central Illinois, a local family is grieving the loss of their Uncle Pat, who instantly combusted when he stepped outside into the heat yesterday. Pat O’Brien leaves behind a beloved dog, a cherished case of Guinness and one smoldering spot on the concrete where he […]


Log Fire Ottawa

Middle Aged Functioning Alcoholics Flock To Still Smoldering Wood Fire Outside Ottawa For A Saturday Night Party

May 13th, 2018
Fire
News
Weather

OTTAWA, IL – With nothing much to do and the bonfire logs drawing down at home, Sam Sturner (41) of Ottawa and his buddies decided to head to the southside and take advantage of the still burning woodpile near 4H road for a Saturday night bonfire. “The fire was still going so we packed up […]


shirtless driver

9 Easy Steps To Enjoy Shirtless Pickup Truck Driving Season In The Illinois Valley

May 8th, 2018
News
Trucks
Weather

MARSEILLES, IL – With warmer weather comes a beloved time in the Illinois Valley for local pickup truck drivers…shirtless driving season! No longer bound by sleeves and shirts, men from all over the area have begun to shed the shirt and roll down the windows in anticipation of summer. In order to partake of the […]


Angry Man

Man Waiting Hour for Illinois Weather to Change is Pissed Off It Hasn’t Changed

April 16th, 2018
News
Snow
Spring
Weather

LASALLE, IL – The old saying goes that if you don’t like the weather in Illinois wait an hour and it will change, but to Brad Bradley of LaSalle this statement is maddening to the point of anger. “I’ve been waiting, it is still snowing! It’s been snowing for like 6 months straight!” Brad shouted […]


Polar Bears

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

December 30th, 2017
Cold
Polar Bears
Weather

ILLINOIS – A rare and ultimately dangerous situation is underway on the Illinois and Wisconsin border as a group of polar bears have managed to wander south into Northern Illinois. Local authorities have told the public to remain diligent and alert as these bears are in an unusual habitat and may scare easy. “It’s colder […]


Record heat in the area

Late Season Heat Wave Arrives for Thanksgiving – Heat Indexes in the 100s

November 13th, 2017
Heat
Thanksgiving
Weather

ILLINOIS – Just as the first few snow showers have begun to dust the land, mother nature has decided to take a complete 180 turn and bring record heat to the central United States. “Get your turkey friers out and catch your garage on fire in the sweltering heat coming next week to the area.” […]


White Map

People That Write Fake Weather News Stories Are Complete Douche Nuggets

October 26th, 2017
Douchebag
News
Weather

CHICAGO, IL – After reports surfaced this week of a huge snow storm hitting the Illinois Valley, some people were left wondering what kind of turd basket would create a fake story and post it online. We happen to agree. There is a fine line in journalism between funny and serious and when news outlets […]


Snowfall Big

Early Season Blizzard Set to Hit Northern Illinois – Illinois Valley In Crosshairs

October 22nd, 2017
News
Snow
Weather

CHICAGO, IL – A very rare and huge snow storm is expected to impact the Illinois Valley this week leading to over a foot of snow. Previously unheard of for this time of year, officials are calling for residents to start purchasing their milk and toilet paper. “Wipe well, this is going to be a […]


Guy named Brad

Ottawa Man Gives $5 Out Of $100 He Collected To Harvey Victims

September 7th, 2017
Donations
News
Weather

Ottawa, IL – Good deeds abound in the Illinois Valley and Brad Johnson of Ottawa knew he needed to help the victims of Hurrican Harvey, collecting over $100 in donations, minus an overhead of $95. “I was concerned about the people of Texas and I just had to do something to help.” Brad told The […]


Houston Flood

“Stop Politicizing This Disaster!” Says Politician In Limo Drinking Champagne In Houston

August 30th, 2017
Flood
News
Weather

HOUSTON, TX – As Houston begins to recover from the devastating floods, most residents were not sure how they could have survived without politicians showing up for photo ops and political slanted Facebook posts flooding the web. “I don’t know how we could have made it without a handful of politicians coming out and smiling […]