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Polar Bears

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

December 30th, 2017
Cold
Polar Bears
Weather

ILLINOIS – A rare and ultimately dangerous situation is underway on the Illinois and Wisconsin border as a group of polar bears have managed to wander south into Northern Illinois. Local authorities have told the public to remain diligent and alert as these bears are in an unusual habitat and may scare easy. “It’s colder […]


Record heat in the area

Late Season Heat Wave Arrives for Thanksgiving – Heat Indexes in the 100s

November 13th, 2017
Heat
Thanksgiving
Weather

ILLINOIS – Just as the first few snow showers have begun to dust the land, mother nature has decided to take a complete 180 turn and bring record heat to the central United States. “Get your turkey friers out and catch your garage on fire in the sweltering heat coming next week to the area.” […]


White Map

People That Write Fake Weather News Stories Are Complete Douche Nuggets

October 26th, 2017
Douchebag
News
Weather

CHICAGO, IL – After reports surfaced this week of a huge snow storm hitting the Illinois Valley, some people were left wondering what kind of turd basket would create a fake story and post it online. We happen to agree. There is a fine line in journalism between funny and serious and when news outlets […]


Snowfall Big

Early Season Blizzard Set to Hit Northern Illinois – Illinois Valley In Crosshairs

October 22nd, 2017
News
Snow
Weather

CHICAGO, IL – A very rare and huge snow storm is expected to impact the Illinois Valley this week leading to over a foot of snow. Previously unheard of for this time of year, officials are calling for residents to start purchasing their milk and toilet paper. “Wipe well, this is going to be a […]


Guy named Brad

Ottawa Man Gives $5 Out Of $100 He Collected To Harvey Victims

September 7th, 2017
Donations
News
Weather

Ottawa, IL – Good deeds abound in the Illinois Valley and Brad Johnson of Ottawa knew he needed to help the victims of Hurrican Harvey, collecting over $100 in donations, minus an overhead of $95. “I was concerned about the people of Texas and I just had to do something to help.” Brad told The […]


Houston Flood

“Stop Politicizing This Disaster!” Says Politician In Limo Drinking Champagne In Houston

August 30th, 2017
Flood
News
Weather

HOUSTON, TX – As Houston begins to recover from the devastating floods, most residents were not sure how they could have survived without politicians showing up for photo ops and political slanted Facebook posts flooding the web. “I don’t know how we could have made it without a handful of politicians coming out and smiling […]


Eclipse

Entire City of Marseilles Now Blind After Staring At Eclipse

August 22nd, 2017
Eclipse
News
Weather

MARSEILLES, IL – In a shocking disclosure, area physicians have revealed that nearly 100% of the residents of Marseilles are now blind following the solar eclipse on Monday. “After checking nearly all the residents, I must confirm that indeed the citizens of Marseilles are officially blind.” Dr. Blind Son Ray told The Cob Tuesday morning. […]


Ottawa Tornado Being Sued

Ottawa Tornado Victim Sues Tornado For $1 Million In Damages

May 22nd, 2017
News
Ottawa
Tornado
Weather

OTTAWA, IL – Looking for quick cash following the February 28th tornado that struck Ottawa, some local residents are seeking any and all legal options they may have…including suing the tornado itself. Ottawa resident Matthew Marton told The Cob, “We are just looking for some money for repairs, as we cannot pinpoint any fault, we […]


Storm Damage Gawker

Group Of Storm Damage Gawkers Now Accepting New Entrants To Clog Streets

March 5th, 2017
Damage
Storm
Weather

OTTAWA, IL – Anyone seeking application to become a storm damage gawker is currently in luck. A group of people who drive from town to town clogging up roads and blocking emergency personnel in order to take pictures and view storm damage is now accepting new entrants. The group call themselves “The Damage Caravan” and […]


Ottawa Naplate Together As One

A Gentle Reminder Of Humanity & Kindness In The Chaos Of Destruction & Loss

March 2nd, 2017
naplate
Ottawa
Tornado
Weather

OTTAWA – NAPLATE, IL – When it comes to self-deprecation, citizens of Ottawa and Naplate are usually the first ones to make jokes or laugh at their small town’s quirks and stereotypes but ask them where they would rather be any given day and most will say at home and in the communities they grew […]