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Train Delays Ottawa Residents Frantically Trying to Get to Walmart

July 2nd, 2016

OTTAWA, IL – Ottawa residents are growing more and more upset with trains blocking their way to huge savings at Wal-Mart. One resident voiced her displeasure Friday as she sat waiting for the train to pass. “I’ve sat here for 5 minutes. 5 MINUTES!” When questioned what she was eager to buy at Wal-Mart, she screamed, “Pool noodles!” She then violently honked her horn, reversed and left.

City Officials are looking at better ways for citizens to get out to Wal-Mart without being blocked by trains.

“People are mad. They have a deep loyalty to Wal-Mart and any delay will cause them to lose their minds.” Reported a city council member who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Wal-Mart train delay related road rage incidents have spiked in recent years. In October a man tried to jump between trains to return a pair of jeans that didn’t fit. Though he made it unscathed, Wal-Mart denied his return because he had lost his receipt in the process. Litigation is expected.

While the city comes close to train related anarchy, the Mayor advises residents to “Just wait.”

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