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United Airlines Throat Punch

United Employee Admits He Was Trained How To Throat Punch Passengers

April 11th, 2017

CHICAGO, IL – Tuesday morning brought with it newly released insights into the practice and procedures of forcibly removing a passenger from overbooked flights at United Airlines. These details included training to “throat punch” passengers and under extreme circumstances “kneeing them in the groin”.

“I took training classes on removing passengers from flights and I can confirm that the throat punch was one of our go-to moves.” An undisclosed informant told The Cob.

“I thought the training was violent, but that was what I was being paid to do. I didn’t think much of it at the time. You know when they tell you to body slam a plastic baby doll you just follow orders.” The informant continued.

“I had to practice the techniques and now looking back it probably wasn’t a good idea to learn such over-the-top moves.” He concluded.

More revelations came to light Tuesday afternoon as it was discovered United Airlines maintained a training manual entitled “5 Steps To Disabling Tiny Old Men”.

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