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White Claw Robbery

Ottawa Robbery Suspects Steal White Claws Leave Everything Else

September 17th, 2019
News
Robbery
White Claw

OTTAWA, IL – After news of a nationwide shortage of White Claws hit LaSalle County this month, desperate white-bois have begun robbing houses in hopes of finding the addictive fizzy drank. “We are seeing an increase of white males that wear Oakley Sunglasses and their hats backward, robbing homes in desperation for White Claws.” A […]


High dog

Peru PetSmart Given Green Light to Sell Recreational Marijuana to your Pets

September 11th, 2019
Animals
Business
News
Pets

PERU, IL – If your Snoop Doggy Dog is looking to unwind a little, he is now in luck. PetSmart in Peru was approved by the city to sell recreational marijuana to pets starting next month. “Little edibles are the most popular choice.” A rep told The Cob. “But we have hookahs and if your […]


Nightmare before Christmas

Ok, We Get It, You Like The Movie ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’, We Don’t Care.

September 7th, 2019
Fall
Holidays
News

UNITED STATES – Tis the season for fall decorations, pumpkin carving, and that one annoying friend who shares any and all posts that include “The Nightmare Before Christmas” in them. “She acts like it’s so special, we’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it Colleen. We know it is your favorite. Gah, yeah, we like your […]


Club Sign

6 Strip Clubs To Fill Vacant Spots In Peru Mall

September 4th, 2019
Business
News
Peru

PERU, IL – With business hurting more than ever and anchor stores long gone, the Peru Mall has reportedly rented out several vacant storefronts to strip clubs. “Everyone thought Ottawa had the market cornered with Strip Clubs, not anymore Peru is where it is at.” A Peru mall rep told The Cob. “With the additional […]


Drag Race Route 23

DOT to Install Drag Racer Lights on Rt. 23 Between Ottawa & Streator

September 3rd, 2019
News
Ottawa
Streator

OTTAWA, IL – With construction coming to an end in Ottawa the Department of Transportation has one last item to install before the job is completed: Drag Racer Lights. “Lights will be installed both in South Ottawa and North Streator.” An IDOT Rep told The Cob. “People love to race on 23 and we have […]


Bears Soldier Field

Wall Being Built Around Soldier Field To Keep Packer Fans Out, Wisconsin To Pay For It

September 1st, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – A temporary wall is being built around Soldier field with the hopes of keeping Green Bay fans out of Thursday’s game. Bears’ ownership has stated that the State of Wisconsin will pay for it. “They come to town, wearing that hideous green and yellow, smelling of cheese and stale farts. We really […]


Dorian

Governor Says Florida Residents Displaced By Hurricane Welcome in Illinois, They Respond, “Nah, We Good.”

August 30th, 2019
Hurricane
News
Weather

SPRINGFIELD, IL – With Hurricane Dorian making its way through the Bahamas on a direct collision course with Florida, Illinois Governor, J.B. Pritzker has extended a welcome to residents affected by the storm, but many Florida residents have responded by saying “They’d rather float away in a trailer than come to Illinois”. “It would have […]


White Claw Cae

White Claw Festival Coming to Ottawa this Fall

August 26th, 2019
Festival
News
White Claw

OTTAWA, IL – In keeping with the current trend of beer, wine, and music in the park festivals, Ottawa is inviting residents to the 1st Annual, “White Claw Fall Festival” this October. Attendees will be able to enjoy a raging DJ while relaxing in hot tubs brought into the Jordan block for the event. Attendees […]


MLB black vs white

MLB Celebrates Segregated History with Black & White Jerseys During Players Week

August 26th, 2019
MLB
News
Sports

Horrifically bad jerseys? Yes. A historically important subject? Yes. Idiotic attempt to merge them? Duh! Over the weekend MLB players were forced to wear black and white jerseys in celebration of MLB’s segregated past. Black vs white games happened at all major league games throughout the nation. “It’s like a civil war reenactment.” An MLB […]


Pabst Beer by River

Marseilles Reminds Citizens Pabst & Pall Malls only Legal Beer & Cigs Allowed in City Limits

August 22nd, 2019
Marseilles
News
Politics

MARSEILLES, IL – In an effort to keep yuppity vaping hipsters and craft beer drinkers out of town, the City of Marseilles is enforcing an ordinance only allowing Pall Malls and Pabst Blue Ribbon to be sold within its limits. All businesses have until September 1st to remove all nonapproved beer and cigarettes from their […]