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bears cat

Cat From Monday Night Football Signs As Bears New QB

November 5th, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – The mysterious black cat that appeared on Monday Night Football last night has now been signed by the Chicago Bears as their new starting quarterback. “He avoided being caught and his moves were on point.” Bear’s head coach Matt Nagy told The Cob. “Mr. Tibbles is his name and after the game, […]


Christmas lights

Local Man Who Left Christmas Lights Up All Year, Now Ready For Upcoming Holidays

November 4th, 2019
Christmas
Holidays
News

OTTAWA, IL – In both an extremely lazy and genius move, Marvin Shink of Ottawa is now ready for the holiday season after leaving his Christmas lights up all year long. “My wife yelled at me all year long to take them down. What for? To put them right back up? You want lights. You […]


Bears Quarterback

Webster Dictionary Adding New Word “Cutlered” in Response to Trubisky’s Season

November 3rd, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – After another dismal display of offense by the Chicago Bears Quarterback Mitch Trubisky, Websters Dictionary has announced plans to add the term “Cutlered” to its newest addition. The definition: (verb) to have high hopes for a Bears quarterback only to have them smashed when he sucks like all other quarterbacks the Bears […]


Beer

12 People Trampled To Death After Streator Drugs Announces 50% Off Alcohol Sale

November 2nd, 2019
Business
News
Streator

STREATOR, IL – Tragedy struck this week after 12 people were trampled to death in Streator after a crowd rushed Streator Drugs to score deep discounts on their Keystone Light beer. Streator Drugs recently announced large discounts on alcohol ahead of their closing, prompting every single person in Streator to show up at once in […]


Mendota striking teachers

Mendota Teachers Negotiating for 200% Yearly Raises After Discovering They are Required to Work in Mendota

October 21st, 2019
Mendota
News
Teachers

MENDOTA, IL – Salary negotiations have broken down between administrators and Mendota teachers after the teacher’s union discovered contracts require the teachers to work in Mendota. “We read through the current contract and found out that it does indeed require the teachers to work in Mendota, those conditions are not ideal, so we’ll be asking […]


Bullshark

Ottawa to Fill I&M Canal with Freshwater Sharks to Attract Tourists

October 21st, 2019
News
Ottawa
Sharks

OTTAWA, IL – In what is being called out as a publicity stunt, Ottawa’s Tourist Board has approved plans to fill the soon to be freshly watered I&M Canal with freshwater bull-sharks. “This project has been behind since day one, so we need to recoup some of the costs and make sure we draw visitors […]


Wife Beater Shirt Guy

Streator Residents Reminded “Wife Beater” Shirt Season Ends November 1st

October 20th, 2019
News
Politics
Streator

STREATOR, IL – As the weather starts to cool off the City of Streator is reminding its residents that wife beater shirts are prohibited after November 1st. “It was an ordinance put in place to give everyone a break over the winter from the white tank top type shirt.” A council member told The Cob. […]


Rickshaw LP

LaSalle Adding Public Transit Rickshaw Service

October 15th, 2019
LaSalle
News
Politics

LASALLE, IL – After recent calls for more public transportation in the town of LaSalle, city officials have approved several rickshaw services that plan to hit the streets this fall. In retaliation, the City of Peru has made a motion to block all rickshaws from entering their town, starting a battle between ritzy suburbanites and […]


Ottawa U-turn

Don’t Tell Us How To Drive, If We Want To Make Illegal U-turns We’ll Damn Well Do It!

October 12th, 2019
News
Ottawa
U-turn

OTTAWA, IL – Authorities, newspapers, and local know-it-alls have raised concerns about people making illegal U-turns coming out of Ottawa’s McDonald’s drive through in recent weeks, to which we say, shutty, we’ll do what we want. “I get my morning coffee, slam a hashbrown, and squeal out a u-turn across 4 lanes of traffic, that’s […]


Burgoo Shoe

Fact: Each Year an Average of 5 People Fall into the Burgoo Stew Never to be Seen Again

October 7th, 2019
Burgoo
Festival
News

UTICA, IL – As Utica readies for their 50th Burgoo Festival, little known facts have been coming to light about the festival including that on average 5 people fall into the Burgoo Stew vats yearly never to be seen again – it’s also what it gives it it’s signature spice. “Yep, you lean over one […]