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Pabst Beer by River

Marseilles Reminds Citizens Pabst & Pall Malls only Legal Beer & Cigs Allowed in City Limits

August 22nd, 2019

MARSEILLES, IL – In an effort to keep yuppity vaping hipsters and craft beer drinkers out of town, the City of Marseilles is enforcing an ordinance only allowing Pall Malls and Pabst Blue Ribbon to be sold within its limits. All businesses have until September 1st to remove all nonapproved beer and cigarettes from their […]

Candle Ban

Chicago News Station: Woodland Volleyball Team Used Fully Semi-automatic, AR Style Candles in Hazing

August 18th, 2019

STREATOR, IL – A Chicago news station has spurred on a community of anti-candle protestors who are asking for common sense candle reform after a hazing incident came to light last week in Streator. “These kids should not have had these candles of war.” A reporter told The Cob Sunday morning. “Banning these type of […]

Streator Water Fountain

Streator to Install Drinking Fountains at City Parks that Dispense Alcohol (Claim it’s Safer than the Water)

August 15th, 2019

STREATOR, IL – After several Streator citizens asked the city to expand the number of parks that were permitted to have alcohol last week, a motion was approved to install drinking fountains that dispurse beer, vodka and wine. “We haven’t had a great history of providing clean drinking water to our community, so when the […]

Snoop Dogg

Snoop Dogg In Ottawa Last Week To Petition City Council On Weed Vote

August 14th, 2019

OTTAWA, IL – Forizzle ma shizzle, Snoop Dogg made a surprise at an Ottawa city council meeting last week to help push efforts for recreational marijuana businesses looking to do work in the town. “Ma rizzle, fa sizzle wizzle in da Ottwizzle.” He told The Cob early last week. “Wizzle is da dizzle fo rizzle, […]

G-string butt

Matthiessen Park G-String Protest Hike Set For August 17th

August 13th, 2019

MATTHIESSEN STATE PARK – 58-year-old Robert McIntyre of Streator was caught wearing only a g-string at Matthiessen State Park last Thursday prompting a banning from the park by state officials which angered sympathizers and spurred them to organize a G-String protest hike for this Saturday at the park. The 1st Annual “Suns Out Buns Out” […]

Letter People over Flag

Pritzker Signs Bill Requiring Kindergarten Letter People Be LGBTQ

August 12th, 2019

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Hidden in a bill recently signed by Governor Pritzker which requires LGBTQ history to be taught in public schools was an addendum that also requires all Kindergarten letter people dolls to represent LGBTQ culture in some way. “This is the right thing to do, LGBTQ culture needs to be represented across the […]

Riverfest Cancelled: 25-Year-Old Irrelevant Band Loses Only Gig They Had Left

August 7th, 2019

OTTAWA, IL – The one time mecca for old one-hit-wonder bands has seen it’s last days as Ottawa Riverfest is no more, and these defunct, subpar bands are showing their disappointment in a big way. One such band to make a stink is Riot Ruins a little known 80’s band from various towns in Northern […]

Kid Smoking

Mendota Votes to Lower Smoking Age to 12

August 6th, 2019

MENDOTA, IL – The city council of Mendota has not only voted to oppose the State of Illinois smoking law increase to 21 years of age, but in a tight vote they have dropped the age to 12 years old. “When I was young I smoked. Look at me now, I’m a city council member […]

Vodka and Tylenol

Parents Shocked to See Tylenol, Vodka & Earplugs on Back-to-School List

August 5th, 2019

ILLINOIS VALLEY, IL – As the start of school approaches and parents scramble to get all the supplies ready for their precious little hellions return to school, concerns are being raised over new requirements for back-to-school purchases. Lists have gone out to parents that include pain killers, alcohol, and even ear plugs for teachers. “You […]

Toe Head man

Man Grows Toe On Forehead After Drinking Streator Water

August 2nd, 2019

STREATOR, IL – Streator officials have been warning locals about conserving and boiling water in the last few days, but a new concern has come to light as, Timothy J. Thumb, 33, of Streator has grown a giant toe on his forehead after drinking the water. “It started out as an itcher on ma forehead.” […]