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Rickshaw LP

LaSalle Adding Public Transit Rickshaw Service

October 15th, 2019

LASALLE, IL – After recent calls for more public transportation in the town of LaSalle, city officials have approved several rickshaw services that plan to hit the streets this fall. In retaliation, the City of Peru has made a motion to block all rickshaws from entering their town, starting a battle between ritzy suburbanites and […]

Ottawa U-turn

Don’t Tell Us How To Drive, If We Want To Make Illegal U-turns We’ll Damn Well Do It!

October 12th, 2019

OTTAWA, IL – Authorities, newspapers, and local know-it-alls have raised concerns about people making illegal U-turns coming out of Ottawa’s McDonald’s drive through in recent weeks, to which we say, shutty, we’ll do what we want. “I get my morning coffee, slam a hashbrown, and squeal out a u-turn across 4 lanes of traffic, that’s […]

Burgoo Shoe

Fact: Each Year an Average of 5 People Fall into the Burgoo Stew Never to be Seen Again

October 7th, 2019

UTICA, IL – As Utica readies for their 50th Burgoo Festival, little known facts have been coming to light about the festival including that on average 5 people fall into the Burgoo Stew vats yearly never to be seen again – it’s also what it gives it it’s signature spice. “Yep, you lean over one […]

Streator Fire

Streator Fire Dept Asks Residents to Very Pretty Please Stop Burning Down Their Houses

October 7th, 2019

STREATOR, IL – Streator Fire has asked the public in the nicest way possible to stop burning down their houses. “Most fires are caused by people leaving their Newport Cigarettes on couches and poof the entire building goes up.” A firefighter told The Cob. “We are looking at a program that provides free ashtrays to […]

Woman looking at phone

Ottawa AT&T Outage: Sources Say Porn Usage Overloaded the Cell System

October 3rd, 2019

OTTAWA, IL – AT&T sources have alerted the public Wednesday night to a cellular outage caused by too many Ottawa residents downloading redneck porn. “We are asking the public to refrain from visiting those sites for a few minutes so that the system can become un-congested.” A tech from AT&T told The Cob. “What is […]

Chase 0%

Vegas Betting Odds: 0.00000000000001% Chance Chase Daniel Leads Bears to Championship

September 30th, 2019

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bears are already in panic mode after Chase Daniel’s take over at quarterback during Sunday’s game, but things may have just gotten worse as Vegas odds put the chance of Chase Daniel leading the Bears to the championship at a record low 0.00000000000001%. “We would have put the odds lower, […]

Ramp over water

County Highway Plans to Install Jump Ramps for Washed Out Roadways

September 30th, 2019

LaSALLE COUNTY, IL – After rain over the weekend has washed out several area roads, the local Highway Department announced they will be installing ramps for cars to leap over the road divots. “Our budget is tight right now, and we just do not have the funds to fix these washed–out roads.” Chuck Dudge told […]

IV Map

Illinois Valley Futurecast – Screw this Area In Particular

September 28th, 2019

ILLINOIS VALLEY – Local weather professionals have forecast more trouble for an area in the Illinois Valley they have labeled, “Screw this Area In Particular”. “This area just sucks for weather, rain, storms, tornados, -30 degrees in the winter, how do people live here?” Tom Renn a local storm chaser told The Cob Saturday morning. […]

Sausage Festival

Confusion After Men Show Up To Spring Valley Sausage Festival in G-Strings

September 22nd, 2019
Sausage Festival
Spring Valley

SPRING VALLEY, IL – Attendees at a Spring Valley sausage festival were in for a big surprise when several area male strippers showed up in g-strings Saturday. “We didn’t think that a sausage festival literally meant real sausage.” A man named Richard Dazzler (that’s his stage name) told The Cob Sunday. “It was embarrassing, as […]

Lady with wine

Invasive Cougars Reported at Matthiessen State Park Wine Fest

September 21st, 2019
Starved Rock

OGLESBY, IL – This weekend several sightings have been reported to DNR about possible cougars in Matthiessen State Park, many of them arriving in time for Illinois’ biggest wine festival. “We’ve gotten reports and have observed a large group of cougars heading towards the Starved Rock region.” A DNR official to The Cob. “They are […]