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Wife Beater Shirt Guy

Streator Residents Reminded “Wife Beater” Shirt Season Ends November 1st

October 20th, 2019
News
Politics
Streator

STREATOR, IL – As the weather starts to cool off the City of Streator is reminding its residents that wife beater shirts are prohibited after November 1st. “It was an ordinance put in place to give everyone a break over the winter from the white tank top type shirt.” A council member told The Cob. […]


Rickshaw LP

LaSalle Adding Public Transit Rickshaw Service

October 15th, 2019
LaSalle
News
Politics

LASALLE, IL – After recent calls for more public transportation in the town of LaSalle, city officials have approved several rickshaw services that plan to hit the streets this fall. In retaliation, the City of Peru has made a motion to block all rickshaws from entering their town, starting a battle between ritzy suburbanites and […]


Pabst Beer by River

Marseilles Reminds Citizens Pabst & Pall Malls only Legal Beer & Cigs Allowed in City Limits

August 22nd, 2019
Marseilles
News
Politics

MARSEILLES, IL – In an effort to keep yuppity vaping hipsters and craft beer drinkers out of town, the City of Marseilles is enforcing an ordinance only allowing Pall Malls and Pabst Blue Ribbon to be sold within its limits. All businesses have until September 1st to remove all nonapproved beer and cigarettes from their […]


Streator Water Fountain

Streator to Install Drinking Fountains at City Parks that Dispense Alcohol (Claim it’s Safer than the Water)

August 15th, 2019
News
Politics
Streator

STREATOR, IL – After several Streator citizens asked the city to expand the number of parks that were permitted to have alcohol last week, a motion was approved to install drinking fountains that dispurse beer, vodka and wine. “We haven’t had a great history of providing clean drinking water to our community, so when the […]


Letter People over Flag

Pritzker Signs Bill Requiring Kindergarten Letter People Be LGBTQ

August 12th, 2019
LGBTQ
News
Politics

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Hidden in a bill recently signed by Governor Pritzker which requires LGBTQ history to be taught in public schools was an addendum that also requires all Kindergarten letter people dolls to represent LGBTQ culture in some way. “This is the right thing to do, LGBTQ culture needs to be represented across the […]


Brett

Potty Mouth Brett Kavanaugh Once Said The F Word

September 24th, 2018
Kavanaugh
News
Politics

WASHINGTON DC – In a shocking revelation brought forward by a host of accusers, Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh is now being accused of saying the F word some 35 years ago. “What the f*** is wrong with him? Saying the f***in, F word, f*** that guy!” A protester was heard saying Monday morning. “I […]


Butt Exam

Illinois Proposes Law To Shove Monitor Up Citizen’s Asses To Tax Every Movement

September 15th, 2018
Ass
News
Politics

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Desperate times call for desperate measures and for the State of Illinois funding the massive government deficit will soon mean tracking every citizen’s movement with an ass monitor. “We have been losing money for years on end. A simple vehicle monitoring device to tax miles driven by citizens will not be enough. […]


Man yelling Curb Check

Ottawa Hires Man to Yell “Curb Check!” When Drivers Get Close To Newly Installed Curbs

June 11th, 2017
curbs
Government
News
Politics

OTTAWA, IL – With more and more protruding curbs being installed in downtown Ottawa, the city has taken steps to make sure that drivers realize that the curbs are there – jutting out into the road like a mother’s elbow in Sunday church. “Well we went ahead and hired a guy to just sit there […]


Donald Trump in front of National Park

Heathen President Trump Donates First Salary To Parks Service – #NotMyPresident

April 3rd, 2017
News
Politics
Trump

WASHINGTON DC – In what many critics are calling a show of racist, bigoted and environment destroying actions, President Donald Trump has donated his first salary worth $78,333 to the National Parks Service. “This guy is just a disgusting man, who would do such a thing like this? I mean the National Parks don’t need […]


Nancy Pelosi at a parade.

Nancy Pelosi Scares Kids Touring US Capitol ‒ Calls Them Tiny Leprechauns

March 7th, 2017
Nancy
pelosi
Politics
Scare

WASHINGTON DC – In what is being described as a scary and bizarre moment, staffers from the US Capitol Building reported Monday morning that Nancy Pelosi charged at children taking a tour of the facilities, calling them tiny leprechauns and chasing them down the hall. “I was afraid. She had a crazy look in her […]