Someone You’ve Never Heard About Did Something You’ve Never Cared About…Until Now

January 24th, 2017

SOMEWHERE, USA – Over the weekend something horrible happened to someone that you’ve never heard about. You are now invested in this story. Continue reading. When that someone did the thing, it caused another thing that happened, causing outrage by everyone. If you are on the right you will be defensive, if you are on […]

Fresh off the Cob

Bears Fighting

December 9, 2019

Bears & Cowboys Fans Fight About Who’s Kicker Sucks The Least

Mad Santa

December 8, 2019

Marseilles Reminds Citizens On December 25th A Fat Man Will Enter Residents Homes…Please Don’t Shoot Him

December 5, 2019

To Meet Demand Streator Wendy’s Introduces 120 Ounce Frosty

Christmas lights

December 3, 2019

Streator Police Warn “Light Up Streator Means Christmas Lights, Not Weed…It’s Not Legal Yet!”

Chevy Chase Ottawa

December 2, 2019

Ottawa Hires Chevy Chase To Help Make Christmas Lights In Park Shine Brighter Than Surface Of Sun

Calendar

November 25, 2019

Illinois Votes To Remove Mondays From Calendar

Cyber Truck Smash

November 23, 2019

Tesla Will Let You Throw Rocks At The CyberTruck for $100 A Rock

Big Mac Sandwich

November 21, 2019

Chester Weger Plans To Murder…A Big Mac, After Release

Stoner

November 20, 2019

Legalized Pot: Ottawa Reassigned ‘420’ Area Code

Bears Field Goals

November 18, 2019

Chicago Bears Get Caught Widening Field Goal Posts At Soldier Field

Helmet smash

November 16, 2019

NFL Moves To Ban Helmets

Capitol Dome

November 13, 2019

In A Shocking Twist Illinois Lowers Taxes

bears cat

November 5, 2019

Cat From Monday Night Football Signs As Bears New QB

Christmas lights

November 4, 2019

Local Man Who Left Christmas Lights Up All Year, Now Ready For Upcoming Holidays

Bears Quarterback

November 3, 2019

Webster Dictionary Adding New Word “Cutlered” in Response to Trubisky’s Season

Beer

November 2, 2019

12 People Trampled To Death After Streator Drugs Announces 50% Off Alcohol Sale

Mendota striking teachers

October 21, 2019

Mendota Teachers Negotiating for 200% Yearly Raises After Discovering They are Required to Work in Mendota

Bullshark

October 21, 2019

Ottawa to Fill I&M Canal with Freshwater Sharks to Attract Tourists

Wife Beater Shirt Guy

October 20, 2019

Streator Residents Reminded “Wife Beater” Shirt Season Ends November 1st

Rickshaw LP

October 15, 2019

LaSalle Adding Public Transit Rickshaw Service

Ottawa U-turn

October 12, 2019

Don’t Tell Us How To Drive, If We Want To Make Illegal U-turns We’ll Damn Well Do It!

Burgoo Shoe

October 7, 2019

Fact: Each Year an Average of 5 People Fall into the Burgoo Stew Never to be Seen Again

Streator Fire

October 7, 2019

Streator Fire Dept Asks Residents to Very Pretty Please Stop Burning Down Their Houses

Woman looking at phone

October 3, 2019

Ottawa AT&T Outage: Sources Say Porn Usage Overloaded the Cell System

Chase 0%

September 30, 2019

Vegas Betting Odds: 0.00000000000001% Chance Chase Daniel Leads Bears to Championship

Ramp over water

September 30, 2019

County Highway Plans to Install Jump Ramps for Washed Out Roadways

IV Map

September 28, 2019

Illinois Valley Futurecast – Screw this Area In Particular

September 23, 2019

Bears Fire Entire Offense Will Play Rest Of Season With Only Defense

Sausage Festival

September 22, 2019

Confusion After Men Show Up To Spring Valley Sausage Festival in G-Strings

Lady with wine

September 21, 2019

Invasive Cougars Reported at Matthiessen State Park Wine Fest

White Claw Robbery

September 17, 2019

Ottawa Robbery Suspects Steal White Claws Leave Everything Else

High dog

September 11, 2019

Peru PetSmart Given Green Light to Sell Recreational Marijuana to your Pets

Nightmare before Christmas

September 7, 2019

Ok, We Get It, You Like The Movie ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’, We Don’t Care.

Club Sign

September 4, 2019

6 Strip Clubs To Fill Vacant Spots In Peru Mall

Drag Race Route 23

September 3, 2019

DOT to Install Drag Racer Lights on Rt. 23 Between Ottawa & Streator

Bears Soldier Field

September 1, 2019

Wall Being Built Around Soldier Field To Keep Packer Fans Out, Wisconsin To Pay For It

Dorian

August 30, 2019

Governor Says Florida Residents Displaced By Hurricane Welcome in Illinois, They Respond, “Nah, We Good.”

White Claw Cae

August 26, 2019

White Claw Festival Coming to Ottawa this Fall

MLB black vs white

August 26, 2019

MLB Celebrates Segregated History with Black & White Jerseys During Players Week

Pabst Beer by River

August 22, 2019

Marseilles Reminds Citizens Pabst & Pall Malls only Legal Beer & Cigs Allowed in City Limits

Candle Ban

August 18, 2019

Chicago News Station: Woodland Volleyball Team Used Fully Semi-automatic, AR Style Candles in Hazing

Streator Water Fountain

August 15, 2019

Streator to Install Drinking Fountains at City Parks that Dispense Alcohol (Claim it’s Safer than the Water)

Snoop Dogg

August 14, 2019

Snoop Dogg In Ottawa Last Week To Petition City Council On Weed Vote

G-string butt

August 13, 2019

Matthiessen Park G-String Protest Hike Set For August 17th

Letter People over Flag

August 12, 2019

Pritzker Signs Bill Requiring Kindergarten Letter People Be LGBTQ

Riverfest Cancelled: 25-Year-Old Irrelevant Band Loses Only Gig They Had Left

Kid Smoking

Mendota Votes to Lower Smoking Age to 12

Vodka and Tylenol

Parents Shocked to See Tylenol, Vodka & Earplugs on Back-to-School List

kicker missing leg

Bears Accidentally Sign Kicker That Has No Leg

Toe Head man

Man Grows Toe On Forehead After Drinking Streator Water

Weed flag

New Illinois Flag Unveiled To Celebrate Legalized Weed

Slapping

October 8, 2018

Unarmed Streator Officers Being Trained How To Properly Slap A Criminal

weather radar

October 1, 2018

How To Read Weather Radar For People Too Stupid To Figure Out If A Storm Will Hit Them Or Not

Brett

September 24, 2018

Potty Mouth Brett Kavanaugh Once Said The F Word

Tom Hanks Ball

September 17, 2018

Breaking: Wilson The Star Of Hit Movie ‘Cast Away’ Now Accusing Tom Hanks Of Abuse

Butt Exam

September 15, 2018

Illinois Proposes Law To Shove Monitor Up Citizen’s Asses To Tax Every Movement

Streator Ottawa Highway

September 10, 2018

6 Lane Highway Between Ottawa & Streator Coming in 2022

Rogers Streator

Streator Residents Promise To Stop Robbing Each Other During ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor?’ Week

Gas Leak

Gas Line Struck In Ottawa Discovered To Be Coming From Taco Bell

Panhandler

Local Governments Pushing For Panhandlers To Use Square For Credit Card Donations Opposed To Cash

Ottawa Riverfest

Heavy Metal Band Slipknot to Play Ottawa Riverfest

Sun hot guy

Local Irish Man Steps Outside Without Sunscreen, Instantly Explodes

Dog Poop

Local Parks District Enlist Smokey The Bear To Advocate for Dog $h!T Reduction

Spray Park

Local Spray Parks Install Shampoo Pumps for Locals Who Smell

flaming truck

Mediacom Brings New Smokin’ Fast Internet Speeds To Ottawa

Swear Kid

Study Finds 93% Of Children In Illinois Valley Learn Curse Words From Graffitied Playground Equipment

Log Fire Ottawa

Middle Aged Functioning Alcoholics Flock To Still Smoldering Wood Fire Outside Ottawa For A Saturday Night Party

shirtless driver

9 Easy Steps To Enjoy Shirtless Pickup Truck Driving Season In The Illinois Valley

Peru Mall Fire

Peru Mall Fire! “The Most Exciting Thing To Happen Here Since the 80’s”

Softball Girl

Softball Mom Publicly Berates Daughter – She Instantly Becomes A Better Player

Angry Man

Man Waiting Hour for Illinois Weather to Change is Pissed Off It Hasn’t Changed

Polar Bears

December 30, 2017

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

Couple picture

December 5, 2017

Engagements: David Butte & Ann Schmelz

Santa Kid

November 27, 2017

Dad Lessons: Finding The Right Time To Tell Your Kids You’ve Lied To Them Their Entire Life About Santa

Guy jumping

November 25, 2017

“Just What I Wanted An $140 55″ Machabucha Verzino Walmart Black Friday Special TV” Said No One Ever

Turkey Fire

November 19, 2017

How to: 10 Steps to Fry a Turkey Dangerously – Like a Man’s Man

Bulls Warm Up

November 15, 2017

Most Illinoisans Blissfully Unaware Chicago Bulls Basketball Has Started

Record heat in the area

November 13, 2017

Late Season Heat Wave Arrives for Thanksgiving – Heat Indexes in the 100s

Halloween kid face

November 1, 2017

Parents Too Old To Trick Or Treat Commence The Annual Stealing Of Their Kids Candy While They Sleep

Halloween Candy Woman

October 31, 2017

Vegan, Gluten Free, Non-Dairy, No Sugar, Raw, Woman Gets No Halloween Visitors This Year

Morris Guy

October 30, 2017

Local Expert: “Shut Up Morris, You’re Not A Suburb”

Couple Halloween

October 29, 2017

Take Note: Facebook Bans Couples Halloween Costume Photos

White Map

October 26, 2017

People That Write Fake Weather News Stories Are Complete Douche Nuggets

White Sox Field

October 25, 2017

White Sox To Rename Park “Big Bob’s Tire Fire Park” After Naming Rights Elapse

Snowfall Big

October 22, 2017

Early Season Blizzard Set to Hit Northern Illinois – Illinois Valley In Crosshairs

Amish guy hits homerun

October 16, 2017

Amish Man Lifts Dodgers Past Cubs in NLCS Game 2

Person painting wall

October 15, 2017

Downtown Streator Developer, “Look That Building Is Crumbling Let’s Put A Painting Over It!”

Woman thinking about boxers

October 8, 2017

Woman Wishes Underwear Thief Would Steal Husbands Gross Boxers

Bicycle Rider

September 27, 2017

New Law: Ride Your Bike On A Downtown Ottawa Sidewalk, Get 50 Lashings

Beer Uber

September 26, 2017

Opinion: Use Uber If You’re Too Drunk To Get To Hermans For More Beer

Guy named Brad

September 7, 2017

Ottawa Man Gives $5 Out Of $100 He Collected To Harvey Victims

Starved Rock Drivers

September 4, 2017

Tourists On Route 71 Drive 5 MPH Nearly Kill Everyone

Chicago bears

August 31, 2017

Local Man About To Lose A Tremendous Amount Of Money Gambling On The Bears

Houston Flood

August 30, 2017

“Stop Politicizing This Disaster!” Says Politician In Limo Drinking Champagne In Houston

Guy wearing headphones

August 28, 2017

Panhandler With iPhone 7 & Beats Headphones Barely Scraping By

Kid looking at peru mall

August 27, 2017

End of Era: Millennials Will Never Know The Pain Of Being Dragged Through Peru Mall With A Mother Eager For Bargains

boxing

August 26, 2017

Ottawa Father Too Poor To Pay Kid’s School Lunch Suddenly Finds $99 For Mayweather vs Mcgregor

Gambling Parlor

August 24, 2017

Streator Elementary Proposes In School Gambling Parlors

Eclipse

August 22, 2017

Entire City of Marseilles Now Blind After Staring At Eclipse

Illinois Wants to Tax Sex

State of Illinois Wants To Tax Sexual Intercourse

Facebook Advice Sucks

Study Finds 100% Of People That Ask For Advice On Facebook Never Intend To Take Advice

McDonald's Eater

Ottawa McDonald’s Getting 10 Drive-Thru Lanes

Man yelling Curb Check

Ottawa Hires Man to Yell “Curb Check!” When Drivers Get Close To Newly Installed Curbs

Dollar Tree 50% off Sale

Damaged Goods: Dollar Tree Streator Announces 50% Off – Everything On Sale For 75 Cents

Ottawa Tornado Being Sued

Ottawa Tornado Victim Sues Tornado For $1 Million In Damages

Lady Running Marathon

Couple Divorce, Then Run Marathon To See Who Gets Everything

Peru rob us sign

New Interstate 80 Sign Signals Drivers to “Stop Here To Rob Us” at Peru Exit

One-way sign in Streator

Streator Officials: We Need More One-Way Roads To Confuse Out-Of-Towners

Chicago Bears Draft

Players Seek Mental Health Counsel After Being Drafted By The Bears

United Airlines Throat Punch

United Employee Admits He Was Trained How To Throat Punch Passengers

Tony Romo's Uber Service

Tony Romo Retires – Plans To Pay The Bills By Driving Uber On The Weekends

Donald Trump in front of National Park

Heathen President Trump Donates First Salary To Parks Service – #NotMyPresident

Chipotle Mexican Food

Chipotle Moving Into The Area Allows People To See How Disgusting Their Friends Really Are

March Madness Guy

Man Psyched For March Madness No Longer Cares What Happens After Bracket Busts

Walking I&M Canal

Lone Person Walking I&M Canal – Probably A Murderer

Jay Cutler Tim Tebow

Jay Cutler Drafted As Bat Boy For Tim Tebow In Minor League Baseball

Nancy Pelosi at a parade.

Nancy Pelosi Scares Kids Touring US Capitol ‒ Calls Them Tiny Leprechauns

Trump finds out there is congress

User Submitted: Trump Unaware There Are 3 Branches Of Government

Mac & Cheese Craft Beer

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Flavored Craft Beer Coming To Tangled Roots

Storm Damage Gawker

Group Of Storm Damage Gawkers Now Accepting New Entrants To Clog Streets

Ottawa Naplate Together As One

A Gentle Reminder Of Humanity & Kindness In The Chaos Of Destruction & Loss

Academy Winner Mix Up

February 28, 2017

Academy Promises Execution Of Those That Flubbed Best Picture Award

February 27, 2017

User Submitted: Dexter Fowler Waiting for Perfect time to Reveal Prank

Guy playing basketball yelling

February 27, 2017

Pickup Basketball Player Goes 0 For 50 Behind The Arc – Calls Himself “The Stunner”

Protest in the Illinois Valley

February 25, 2017

The Cob Compiles A List Of Protest Opportunities For The Illinois Valley

Guy bike to Utica

February 23, 2017

How Far Could It Be? Local Man Fails To Bike To Utica On I&M Canal

Man writes sad news

February 21, 2017

Local Columnist Tries To Write Positive News, Pens “We’re All Gonna Die” Article

Man wearing short shorts

February 20, 2017

Man Wears Shorts Too Early, Blinds Wife With Pale White Legs

Guy with a man bun

February 19, 2017

The Man Bun Emerges From Hibernation As Warm Temps Push Into Illinois

Firemen get drones

February 17, 2017

Streator Police Jealous Firefighters Get To Play With Drones

Hipster at Starved Rock

February 16, 2017

60 Degrees: Hipsters Preparing For Trip To Starved Rock To Declare Love Of Hiking

Streator Robber in Front of Wal-Mart

February 14, 2017

Stolen Electronics Returned To Streator Wal-Mart Denied Without Receipt

Bernie at the debate

February 8, 2017

Sanders & Cruz To Debate Who Would Win In A Fight, A Lion Or A Polar Bear With A Glock

Guy reading the newspaper

February 7, 2017

Local Man Discovers He’s Still Paying For Newspaper & Cable

Man Dabs in Hospital

February 6, 2017

Fun Around Town: Local OBGYN “Dabs” After Every Delivery

The Falcons Hillaried

February 6, 2017

Webster Adds “Hillaried” To Dictionary Just In Time To Describe Falcon’s Super Bowl Loss

Groundhog looking nervous

February 2, 2017

Groundhog Prediction In Question After Punxsutawney Phil Busted For Doping

Guy Disgusted by Wendy's Frosty

January 30, 2017

Man Disgusted By Wife Dipping Fries In Wendy’s Frosty

Professional Photographer Taking A Photo

January 30, 2017

Local Woman Buys DSLR Camera, Now Professional Photographer

January 29, 2017

Lady Gaga: “More People Will Watch My Halftime Show Than Watched The Bears All Season”

January 28, 2017

Zoomed In Wacky Portrait Photos Make Columnist More Relatable New Study Finds

January 24, 2017

Someone You’ve Never Heard About Did Something You’ve Never Cared About…Until Now

January 24, 2017

Trump Signs Executive Order Removing Obama From List Of Past Presidents

January 11, 2017

Buzzfeed & CNN Report Donald Trump Meets With Satan In Russia

January 10, 2017

“Someone Told Us That Politicians Get To Steal Things”

January 8, 2017

Miracle Corner: Local Woman Says, “I’m Too Full!”, Then Amazingly Eats Entire Plate & Dessert

January 6, 2017

Dairy Battle: Dairy Queen Promotion Will Allow Customers To Stick Face Under Blizzard Machine

January 2, 2017

Papa Johns Closure Leaves Only 2 Options For People Looking To Destroy Themselves On Garbage Pizza

December 27, 2016

Local Police Warn That Man Wearing Bikini Inspector Shirt Is Not Real Bikini Inspector

December 22, 2016

Low Carb Dieter Appalled At Amount Of Bread In Grant Street Grocery

December 21, 2016

Not Everyone Is Leaving Illinois – Masochists Flock To The Land Of Lincoln

December 13, 2016

Kanye West & Donald Trump Meet To Collaborate On New Album

December 12, 2016

Woman Stranded At Home For Days After 1″ Of Snowfall

December 11, 2016

Overweight Man Missing Subtle Hints That Coworkers Want Him To Be Santa For Company Party

December 10, 2016

Local Man Donates 5 Year Old Can Of Beans Set To Expire Monday To Local Shelter

December 9, 2016

Grocery Stores Increase Prices Of Bread & Milk Ahead Of Winter Storm

December 6, 2016

Mautino Forgets To Remove ‘Financed With Campaign $$$’ Bumper Sticker From Cars

December 5, 2016

Streator Eagle 6 Movie Theater Not For The Peasants

November 28, 2016

Group Of Idiots Prepare For Winter Driving Season

November 27, 2016

Ottawa Woman Wins $250,000 from Nigerian Prince

November 26, 2016

Guy Still Wearing Shorts Claims He’s Not Cold

November 25, 2016

Local Dad Forgets To Move Elf On Shelf, Almost Ruins Christmas

November 22, 2016

Guy Fieri Rerun Beats Out Bears Game Ratings on Sunday Afternoon

October 25, 2016

96-Year-Old Cubs Fan Lied About Being Cubs Fan For Fame

October 24, 2016

Yard Sale Alerts: Same House Everyday, Prices High, You Know The Place

October 23, 2016

A Cold Chill Falls Over Hell As The Cubs Enter The World Series

Painting in Ottawa

October 21, 2016

Artistic Paintings Makes Towns More Better Than Other Towns

October 5, 2016

Local Creep Upset Clowns Are Ruining His Creeping Ability

October 3, 2016

NFL To Replace Coin Toss With Water Bottle Flip To Draw More Millennials

October 1, 2016

Gluten-Free Vegetarian Claims Discrimination At Local Oktoberfest

September 26, 2016

Cubs Fans Cutting Sat Fats In Hopes Of Living To See World Series Win

September 22, 2016

NFL Fan Boycotting By Closing One Eye When Watching Games

September 21, 2016

Police Blotter 9-21

September 20, 2016

Weather Man Leaves 10% Chance Of Everything In Forecasts

Pumpkin Spice Communion

September 17, 2016

Churches Introduce Pumpkin Spice Communion Wafers

September 15, 2016

Local Man Refuses To Mow Lawn Again Until Spring

September 13, 2016

Local Rescue Dog Unsure Who He’s Voting For In LaSalle County States Attorney Race

September 12, 2016

Internet Doctor Says Hillary Has Bubonic Plague, Zika, Ebola & Leprosy

September 11, 2016

Bears Will Scrimmage University of Illinois In Effort To Raise Morale

September 6, 2016

Health Watch: Skip Breakfast – Eat As Much As You Want All Day

September 4, 2016

Undecided Voters Deeply Influenced By Political Yard Signs

Kid with his dog

September 3, 2016

OPINION: My Dog Is Better Than Your Dog

Pot Class

September 1, 2016

High School Agriculture Classes Teach Pot Cultivation For Medicinal Purposes Only

Picture of Ark

August 31, 2016

Local Man Building Ark Just In Case It Doesn’t Stop Raining

August 28, 2016

Luke Bryan’s Butt Puts On Amazing Concert At Wrigley Field

August 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick Sees An American Flag, Nearly Dies

August 25, 2016

10 Other MLB Teams Change Their Field Names

August 25, 2016

Bramel Hopes To Win Big In Ottawa Canada Election

August 21, 2016

Fake News Sources Are The Devil

August 20, 2016

McDonald’s Removes Fitness Tracker from Happy Meals As It Tells Kids To Stop Eating At McDonald’s

Mom loves helping with common core

August 18, 2016

Local Mom Loves Helping Her Daughter Do Common Core Math Homework

August 16, 2016

Candidates to Face Off in Epic Rap Battle

Crossfit Person Lifting

August 15, 2016

Wanted: Someone To Take Photos While I CrossFit

Local Dad Not Living Through Kids

August 15, 2016

Local Dad Not Living Through His Kids Athletic Endeavors

Lone Buffalo

August 14, 2016

Lone Buffalo Brings in Real Buffalo

August 14, 2016

You Can Still Complain if You Don’t Vote, Legally

Children at Play Road Signs to be Updated to Pokémon Go Area Signs

Ottawa Cancels Flu Shots to Help Booming Pharmacy Business

Donald Trump Suing Trump University

Bill Clinton Opens Balloon & Party Company, Leaves Campaign Trail

Tornado Picture

New Study Finds 100% of People Afraid of Severe Weather Hate Those Excited By It

Heat Causes Corn to Pop in Fields

Top 10 DNC Email Passwords Exposed

Chris Sale Just Trying New Pinterest Ideas

Combine Transporting Entire Bridge Runs Out of Gas

IVCC Student Endures Grueling Walk to Class After He Gets the Last Parking Spot on Campus

Streator ups Fireworks Show with 1 Ton Nuclear Blast

Local Cubs Fan Keeps His Fandom Low Key

Marseilles to Require Trucks to be Lifted Impractically High

Starved Rock Startups looks to Start Up Again in Streator Incubator

Picture of Pluto

Streator Elementary Moves to Remove All Planets but Pluto From Curriculum

Starved Rock State Park

Starved Rock State Park Installs Path for Visitors Looking to Fall Off Cliffs

Google Maps Team Discovers Seneca Missing During Recent Update

Train Delays Ottawa Residents Frantically Trying to Get to Walmart

Man complains about the cold

Illinoisans Practice Complaining About Winter Early this Year