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White Claw Robbery

Ottawa Robbery Suspects Steal White Claws Leave Everything Else

September 17th, 2019
White Claw

OTTAWA, IL – After news of a nationwide shortage of White Claws hit LaSalle County this month, desperate white-bois have begun robbing houses in hopes of finding the addictive fizzy drank. “We are seeing an increase of white males that wear Oakley Sunglasses and their hats backward, robbing homes in desperation for White Claws.” A […]

Woman thinking about boxers

Woman Wishes Underwear Thief Would Steal Husbands Gross Boxers

October 8th, 2017

ILLINOIS VALLEY – After a string of panty theft home invasions hit her neighborhood last week, Ottawa native, Jill Kroon had one question for herself, “Why can’t they steal my husband’s rotting old boxers instead?”. Jill took to social media Saturday afternoon urging someone to step up and start stealing boxers instead of panties. “I […]

Streator Robber in Front of Wal-Mart

Stolen Electronics Returned To Streator Wal-Mart Denied Without Receipt

February 14th, 2017

STREATOR, IL – Over the weekend a brazen group of criminals robbed the Streator Wal-Mart only to later regret wasting a felony crime charge on cheap Chinese made electronic garbage. This, in turn, prompted an attempt by the thieves to return the items to the store to no avail. “We had a few people come […]