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Bears Fighting

Bears & Cowboys Fans Fight About Who’s Kicker Sucks The Least

December 9th, 2019
Bears
Fight
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – Following Thursday’s victory against the Dallas Cowboys, Bears fans got into a brawl over who’s kicker sucks less. “They started yelling that Eddy Piñeiro was worse than Brett Maher and we just cannot stand by and let that smack talk happen in our home turf!” A Bears fan told The Cob. “Eddy […]


Bears Field Goals

Chicago Bears Get Caught Widening Field Goal Posts At Soldier Field

November 18th, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – While the Bears were out on the road losing horrifically to the L.A. Rams, Chicago Bears management ordered the widening of field goal posts at Soldier Field. Construction began on Saturday and was quickly discovered by reporters on the scene who stated, “The Bears kicker would still miss.” Each field goal post […]


Helmet smash

NFL Moves To Ban Helmets

November 16th, 2019
Football
News
Sports

UNITED STATES – Following the well-publicized helmet head-smashing that occurred on Thursday Night Football, the NFL has moved to remove helmets from play in fears they will continue to be used as weapons. “This week taught us that helmets can be removed and used as dangerous weapons.” John Rooser, an NFL rep, told The Cob. […]


bears cat

Cat From Monday Night Football Signs As Bears New QB

November 5th, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – The mysterious black cat that appeared on Monday Night Football last night has now been signed by the Chicago Bears as their new starting quarterback. “He avoided being caught and his moves were on point.” Bear’s head coach Matt Nagy told The Cob. “Mr. Tibbles is his name and after the game, […]


Bears Quarterback

Webster Dictionary Adding New Word “Cutlered” in Response to Trubisky’s Season

November 3rd, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – After another dismal display of offense by the Chicago Bears Quarterback Mitch Trubisky, Websters Dictionary has announced plans to add the term “Cutlered” to its newest addition. The definition: (verb) to have high hopes for a Bears quarterback only to have them smashed when he sucks like all other quarterbacks the Bears […]


Chase 0%

Vegas Betting Odds: 0.00000000000001% Chance Chase Daniel Leads Bears to Championship

September 30th, 2019
Bears
Football
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bears are already in panic mode after Chase Daniel’s take over at quarterback during Sunday’s game, but things may have just gotten worse as Vegas odds put the chance of Chase Daniel leading the Bears to the championship at a record low 0.00000000000001%. “We would have put the odds lower, […]


Bears Fire Entire Offense Will Play Rest Of Season With Only Defense

September 23rd, 2019
Bears
Football
Sports

WASHINGTON DC – After a dismal start to the season the Chicago Bear’s entire offense was fired mid-game Monday night. “This will save us a lot of salary room and allow us to get better defensive players as the season moves along.” Ryan Pace, Bears General Manager, told The Cob. “Our defense is on pace […]


Bears Soldier Field

Wall Being Built Around Soldier Field To Keep Packer Fans Out, Wisconsin To Pay For It

September 1st, 2019
Bears
News
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – A temporary wall is being built around Soldier field with the hopes of keeping Green Bay fans out of Thursday’s game. Bears’ ownership has stated that the State of Wisconsin will pay for it. “They come to town, wearing that hideous green and yellow, smelling of cheese and stale farts. We really […]


MLB black vs white

MLB Celebrates Segregated History with Black & White Jerseys During Players Week

August 26th, 2019
MLB
News
Sports

Horrifically bad jerseys? Yes. A historically important subject? Yes. Idiotic attempt to merge them? Duh! Over the weekend MLB players were forced to wear black and white jerseys in celebration of MLB’s segregated past. Black vs white games happened at all major league games throughout the nation. “It’s like a civil war reenactment.” An MLB […]


kicker missing leg

Bears Accidentally Sign Kicker That Has No Leg

August 4th, 2019
Bears
Football
Sports

CHICAGO, IL – In a bizarre incident the Chicago Bears have signed a kicker that has no leg, though his chances are still better at making a field goal than current Bears kickers. Kaleb Rinner was signed with the Bears last week even though he has never kicked a ball in his life and is […]