Like what you're reading? - Follow us on Twitter Icon & Like us on Facebook Icon
Ramp over water

County Highway Plans to Install Jump Ramps for Washed Out Roadways

September 30th, 2019
Flooding
News
Weather

LaSALLE COUNTY, IL – After rain over the weekend has washed out several area roads, the local Highway Department announced they will be installing ramps for cars to leap over the road divots. “Our budget is tight right now, and we just do not have the funds to fix these washed–out roads.” Chuck Dudge told […]


IV Map

Illinois Valley Futurecast – Screw this Area In Particular

September 28th, 2019
News
Rain
Weather

ILLINOIS VALLEY – Local weather professionals have forecast more trouble for an area in the Illinois Valley they have labeled, “Screw this Area In Particular”. “This area just sucks for weather, rain, storms, tornados, -30 degrees in the winter, how do people live here?” Tom Renn a local storm chaser told The Cob Saturday morning. […]


Dorian

Governor Says Florida Residents Displaced By Hurricane Welcome in Illinois, They Respond, “Nah, We Good.”

August 30th, 2019
Hurricane
News
Weather

SPRINGFIELD, IL – With Hurricane Dorian making its way through the Bahamas on a direct collision course with Florida, Illinois Governor, J.B. Pritzker has extended a welcome to residents affected by the storm, but many Florida residents have responded by saying “They’d rather float away in a trailer than come to Illinois”. “It would have […]


weather radar

How To Read Weather Radar For People Too Stupid To Figure Out If A Storm Will Hit Them Or Not

October 1st, 2018
News
Storm
Weather

THE COB – The Cob would like to extend this community service opportunity to all of those in the area that are too dumb to look up a weather radar map and see if a storm will or will not hit you. Step 1. Go to weather.com Step 2. Enter your town name Step 3. […]


Sun hot guy

Local Irish Man Steps Outside Without Sunscreen, Instantly Explodes

June 18th, 2018
Heat
News
Weather

LASALLE, ILLINOIS – As temperatures hover near boiling in North Central Illinois, a local family is grieving the loss of their Uncle Pat, who instantly combusted when he stepped outside into the heat yesterday. Pat O’Brien leaves behind a beloved dog, a cherished case of Guinness and one smoldering spot on the concrete where he […]


Log Fire Ottawa

Middle Aged Functioning Alcoholics Flock To Still Smoldering Wood Fire Outside Ottawa For A Saturday Night Party

May 13th, 2018
Fire
News
Weather

OTTAWA, IL – With nothing much to do and the bonfire logs drawing down at home, Sam Sturner (41) of Ottawa and his buddies decided to head to the southside and take advantage of the still burning woodpile near 4H road for a Saturday night bonfire. “The fire was still going so we packed up […]


shirtless driver

9 Easy Steps To Enjoy Shirtless Pickup Truck Driving Season In The Illinois Valley

May 8th, 2018
News
Trucks
Weather

MARSEILLES, IL – With warmer weather comes a beloved time in the Illinois Valley for local pickup truck drivers…shirtless driving season! No longer bound by sleeves and shirts, men from all over the area have begun to shed the shirt and roll down the windows in anticipation of summer. In order to partake of the […]


Angry Man

Man Waiting Hour for Illinois Weather to Change is Pissed Off It Hasn’t Changed

April 16th, 2018
News
Snow
Spring
Weather

LASALLE, IL – The old saying goes that if you don’t like the weather in Illinois wait an hour and it will change, but to Brad Bradley of LaSalle this statement is maddening to the point of anger. “I’ve been waiting, it is still snowing! It’s been snowing for like 6 months straight!” Brad shouted […]


Polar Bears

Urgent Alert: Freeze Pushes Polar Bears to Wisconsin/Illinois Border

December 30th, 2017
Cold
Polar Bears
Weather

ILLINOIS – A rare and ultimately dangerous situation is underway on the Illinois and Wisconsin border as a group of polar bears have managed to wander south into Northern Illinois. Local authorities have told the public to remain diligent and alert as these bears are in an unusual habitat and may scare easy. “It’s colder […]


Record heat in the area

Late Season Heat Wave Arrives for Thanksgiving – Heat Indexes in the 100s

November 13th, 2017
Heat
Thanksgiving
Weather

ILLINOIS – Just as the first few snow showers have begun to dust the land, mother nature has decided to take a complete 180 turn and bring record heat to the central United States. “Get your turkey friers out and catch your garage on fire in the sweltering heat coming next week to the area.” […]